Thursday, 15 March 2012

Review: Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 1

Oh, for the love of God, do something, you apprehensive, brain-damaged, mouse-haired sea cucumber!
Bill Corbett's assessment of Bella
Twilight: Breaking Dawn: Part 1 (2012)

Bella and her 100-year old vampire boyfriend finally get married and give birth to a demon-spawn child that the local Red Indian werewolves want to destroy.  I can't believe I just wrote that. Yes, the plot is that thin and that silly.

The original Twilight film was so mind-bendingly bad that I came away with the happy consolation that no other piece of cinema could be worse.  This is much, much worse.  How bad?  The wedding of Bella and Edward takes 30 minutes of screen time.  No, that is not a typo.  It was 30 minutes.  Then they went on their honeymoon that took up another 15 minutes (Including three games of chess.  I'm not kidding).  Then she becomes unexpectedly pregnant with a story logic that shows that Stephanie Meyer makes things up as she goes along, Bella is nearly killed by her Child of Satan, the werewolves are determined to kill it, and Edward and his vampire family try to protect Bella.

Oh, Lord.  It doesn't get any better explaining it the second time around.  This is a nightmarishly slow film with characters from previous installments showing up so briefly that I'm surprised that they bothered getting into costume.  Some even got a line.  A line.

To catalogue just how appalling this dreck is from the script to the direction to the editing to the casting to the acting and even the horribly bad idea of selling tickets to see this is just to invite people to think I'm looking for pity for what I suffered.  I don't need pity.  I need a survivor's support group.  This series was bad to begin with, but now it has become such a self-absorbed, disappear-up-its-own-backside of a story so divorced from the real world that only 13-year old girls with serious issues or economists would suspend their disbelief for a nanosecond.

Going over my boredom tear stained notes, I've selected what I see as the worse fault of it all: Bella.  Or, to be precise, how the other characters react to her.  She is the most vapid, soulless, unthinking motiveless, passive, ineffectual character in all cinema.  Worse, she also has no sense of morality.  In previous films, she has watched a crowd of innocent people being led to the slaughter and said nothing and her boyfriend has confessed twice to being a serial killer, but shrugs it off as him being too hard on himself.  Yet in spite of this, every other character in this film have made her the absolute centre of their universe.  Even the werewolves are going after the demon baby to protect her!  Her safety and happiness are their overriding priority over everything else.  This despite her being, in the words of Mr Corbett, a brain-damaged sea cucumber who names her child "Renesmee".

Don't name your child Renesmee.

All I can say is, that I'm definitely buying the DVD of this; several, in fact.  Then I'm taking up skeet shooting.

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